more salt…

from an e-mail I just got…

In case you didn’t realize, our WEB administrator, Bob Bobbity (name changed to protect the innocent), has been quite productive lately, or rather his wife, Bibbity, has.

They’re expecting their first child very soon (end of April) and
we’re getting ready to shower them with good wishes and gifts!

Please join us at a party in honor of Bob, Bibbity and the forthcoming
“addition” on Thursday, April 6 in the XXXXXXX at
2:30PM. I’ve tried to address this invitation to all those at XXXX
who have had ongoing interactions with Bob, but if I’ve missed
someone in your department, please bring them along.

If you would like to join in a group gift for the baby, we’re
collecting approximately $10 a person. You can drop it off at my
office at XXXXXXXX, or leave it in my box near the XX
reception desk by the end of next week.

We look forward to see you at the party! Ah Spring! when
everything begins to bloom!

Ugh – So does adoption just not count? Am I overly hormonal, as I’m just ovulating, am I over reacting in thinking that my department just doens’t care? I SO want to cry about this. I just TOTALLY feel left out and ignored by them. ugh.

Speaking of feeling left out – I FUCKED up and forgot to do something special for Narda’s birthday, which was on Friday – I DID get her a card from Malka and I, and Dad and Janet took us all out for lunch to celebrate – but man, I’m the QUEEN of doing special things for her, and I didn’t really do anything. I’ll have to REALLY make it up to her. I know we had dad and Janet arriving that day, and Malka’s Simchat Bat to prepare, and um, well, a new BABY, but still. Even though she ALWAYS says that she doesn’t need anything, I know better. I’m a bad girlfriend.

Baby, I know you read this on occasion, and I’m sorry – I’ll totally make it up to you. You are my love, my Besheret, the Mommy to my daughter, my sexy mamacita, and the best thing that ever happened to me. Happy Birthday, baby.

*******EDITED TO ADD***********
This is in NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM meant to ignore the AMAZING love, support and incredible gifts we have already received! We have been constantly blown away by you and other non-blog reading friends, so THANK YOU!!!!!! (This is an isolated kvetch…)

31 thoughts on “more salt…

  1. Part of being Lutheran (which I am to the core) is to look at things in the best possible light. So, please don’t think I am trying to ignore a potentionally hurtful situation.

    That being said. They may not have wanted to throw you guys a pre-baby shower. Since, you know, evil eye and not a ton of notice. They may be waiting until you come back. Although the wording of the invitation kind of sucks and the use of quotes around addition is unforgivable.

  2. Brooke, you are SO right, and I would give the same speech to someone else.

    (here’s the BIG but coming in)… I was working for a full month after we brought Malka home, even if part time, and for at least a few weeks after the 30 day period was up.

    Again, I’m SUCH the “look on the bright side” kind of gal myself, but I’m also just a little, OK, I’ll admit it, a lot hurt.

  3. Do you have a good buddy in the office you can talk to about this? It might just be a misunderstanding and a quick chat might make you feel heaps better.

    Alternatively, said buddy might be able to shame the rest of your office into acting like decent humans.

  4. shelli- i would be really hurt too. it’s possible they screwed up because they just didn’t know what to do- i know a lot of people in our family still treat ann and i like we are some kind of “science experiment family” without feelings and maybe that’s what is happening- they just didn’t know what to do? it just plain sucks- they were thoughtless, and you deserve way better from the people you spend the majority of your waking hours with. i hope the kindness of all your friends and family and everyone who sent such warm wishes to Malka can help you feel better about being slighted by your coworkers. give malka sweet kisses from us.


  5. I would be so hurt! Not because of need but because a shower is all about showing someone you care and they are surrounded by love & support. I have stories of my own that I won’t share here but I really do understand, think you should say something to anyone you might trust there, and I too would cry (blame it on whatever you want!) becaues it would hurt my feelings!!

  6. Shelli, I think they screwed up big, and I think they suck, and I also think they need to be called on it. I really like what remy wrote.

  7. It’s hard not to feel that they are ignoring the fact that you have a new baby. It’s not like you have to have gifts but you just want some recognition for the wonderful event that has happened in your lives and it deserves some recognition. Just stick it to them and you send out an invite so people can join you in celebrating Malka coming into your lives. If they won’t do it do it yourself. Maybe this is dumb but maybe it’ll make them feel bad at the same time:) That’s pretty shitty what they’re doing. I’m sure you don’t want to say anything to someone because that’ll make you look greedy so my only advise is to have your own party and invite them.

  8. The same thing happened at my job when Eliza was born and I was pregnant with her! I think mine had to do with the *gasp* lesbian thing. You cant really complain about it to them…but you want to knock them on the heads and say “hey, did you forget something????”

    I’ve heard other adoptive parents complain about the lack of recognition/celebration. It’s too bad, really. 😦

  9. Shelli I can totally relate. We adopted our son also and he came to us at 11 months old so we had the whole “he’s not a new baby” even though he was new to us. My parents didn’t even come to see us until a month later (only 100 miles away). That stung after the huge deal that was made for my sister 6 months before.

    After waiting so long and the challenge and heartbreak of infertilty it’s these special babies that are such a a huge blessing to us and mend our hearts and not have it recognized hurts, I know!

    I hope someone recognizes this milestone and gives you your moment in the sun…you guys deserve it!!

  10. To be totally honest, I’d be hurt as well and feel so slighted. I would want them to know that I felt that way… so I might have to agree with the other people replying.

  11. I’d be hurt, too.

    I also forgot to do anything for my partner’s birthday, only 20 days after Sanna’s birth. She eventually forgave me.

  12. Geesh…sucks that they don’t think adoption is a birth and a new child for you! Let me at em!!! Sounds like a diamond or something real special for Narda…and make up some excuse like you wanted to spend a special day by yourselves to celebrate. That may work. You’re fine! Don’t you know you loose brain cells when you have kids???

  13. Would be upset as well you have every right to be pissy about it. Have your cry darlin.

    By your very thoughts and the love you spread, not to mention that sweet note to Narda you just did something very very special for her.

    You ladies are the best. *hugs*

  14. OK-so you just have to say something!! I could never be quiet about this–we must get creative and help you come up with some kind of “speech” You just must!! Jean

  15. Wait, I know what to say–respond to the invitation, with “Sorry, can’t attend, and won’t be able to donate anything. Having a new baby myself, things are quite hectic and tight for me right now” Lets see if this sparks a response! Jean

  16. I hadn’t realized you were back at work already. I’m very good with the forgetting lately.

    Yeah, it might also be the lesbian thing. Not that that’s any better.


  17. I agree with everyone else. You have every right to be hurt by this. I SO think this is the time to confess your hurt feelings to a work friend and give him/her your blessings to tell others that you feel slighted. If somebody pointed out the oversight to me I would feel horrible & quickly work to make it right.
    & it isn’t about the loot – it is about the support and respect that you have earned. shame on them!

    & happy belated birthday to Narda!

  18. I’d be really hurt if I were you and don’t think you’re wrong to be upset. I’d probably say something (and if I’m being honest, it’d be in the passive aggressive range of things).

    Bottom line is it was jerky for them not to acknowledge your daughter (whatever the reason) but in the end being upset will probably cause more stress than it’s worth.

    I do, however, hope this was more innocent than it seems to sound, in which case it’s not too late for them to make it up to you.

  19. I would feel totally left out too. Sometimes people are so ingorant and insensitive. I would say someting, or have someone I trust say something on my behalf.

  20. I think it’s the double whammy of adoption and being lesbian. My principal came to our shower but “forgot” our gift – never apologized or said anything to me but told someone else she “forgot” it. Well, she has continued to forget it ever since, and never said anything to me. I don’t give two hoots about a present, but it feels really awful to be ignored when others are treated differently (at the last shower the principal made a big deal about her gift to that mom).

    I agree with everyone else – you need to find a way to let them know. Maybe START from the assumption that it was an oversight (whether or not you believe it was) to give them the space not to be defensive. It’s no fun, but sitting with the hurt will just fester every time there’s a shower for someone else.

    Hugs and good luck!

  21. I agree! That’s sooo horrible! Shame on them! I would be hinting it to someone in the office if that happened to me, that you feel left out. I would also stop showing up and giving gifts for a while, just to show them that you are hurt by them not acknowledge the fact that you guys now have Malka.

  22. What buggers. That’s not cool.Very insensitive.

    I love the picture below of the little princess. What a cutey!

  23. Who are these rude people??? Shame on them!

    You’ve got a couple of choices here: either let it go, and I mean really let it go as in “I forgive these insensitive clogs for their oversight…” Or do as many have suggested here which is to confide in a co-worker. You could even start out by treating it as an inquiry. “Is there some reason that no one has acknowledged the fact that I have a new daughter? To be honest, I’ve been quite hurt…”

    OR you could just leave a phone number or two here of some offending co-workers. I have no doubt that someone here will gladly and efficiently point out their insensitive behavior. 😉


  24. Ugh. The crap that we have to put up with. I definitely like the idea of leaving the phone numbers–I’d definitely call and leave a few people a piece of my mind. I don’t know HOW people could “forget” something so important. A baby is a baby, and you’re a new parent. How could anyone not think you needed a shower?

  25. That sucks 😦 I’m so sorry your family was ignored. Unfortunately, I know how this feels. They had an agency wide, much advertised (by e-mail) shower for a guy at work whose wife was having twins a few months after we had Ms. Baby. There were babies born before her as well that they organized showers for and never did someone organize a shower for us. Admittedly, we didn’t need much, but the gesture would have been really nice. {sigh} I worked for a social service agency too – you would think they would be a bit more ‘in touch’. Oh well.

    It wasn’t a total loss, my close work friends did take me out to lunch and get me a group gift, which was lovely and very appreciated.

    As much as this situation sucks, I hope that you find a small saving grace in the outpouring of love from total strangers that I can see directed at you through your blog.

    ps. She’s ADORABLE!!!!

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