The capacity is SO huge

Malka has turned 16 weeks old (on Saturday), and has randomly picked up some new behaviors – she turns from the nipple when feeding – as if to practice breathing through her mouth, as if it’s a fun new game. So when she does it, I take the bottle away, and she’s all “OH, I needed that, sorry.” and then she’s fine for a bit, and then that “baby 7 second short term memory” kicks in, and she does it again… her sleep is changing too. She used to take a big 3 hour nap during the day, but now she’s sleeping in smaller spurts. She seems to be MORE gassy and have MORE spit up than before – but we also started adding probiotics to her formula 3 days ago (to counter-balance the anti-biotics she was on), and perhaps that’s it.

All I know is that today, I learned a higher meaning of love, because she had some SERIOUS gas pains late in the afternoon, and was crying like I’ve NEVER heard her cry. Both Fabiola (our 9 hour a week Equadorian Jehovas Witness babysitter who seems to only babysit for Jewish lesbians…) and Narda were there, and Narda fed her, which seemed to quell the crying, so we gave her back to Fabiola, and she started up again, and then Fabiola got the world’s BIGGEST BURP out of her – I’m SO serious – it’s like she was in competition with a frat boy who was in a beer chugging contest – we all broke out laughing. But AFTER that little episode, I went and shut myself in the bathroom and cried. I was So upset that I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with my baby, and that she was in SUCH pain, it killed me. I mean REALLY killed me.

Her toes are still an issue for me, but I’ll get over it. It’s all healed, but now the dead skin is peeling, and it itches her, so she frantically rubs her feet together, and I feel so bad for her. Now she seems to have another toe nail that looks like it’s peeling off. I just slather her toes in neosporin constantly – morning and evening, letting her toes air out at night, and keeping them socked during the day.

This whole motherhood thing is wonderful, awesome, scary, hard, and rewarding, and I TRULY never knew the capacity I had to love another human being until Malka came into our lives. I love her SO much, it’s hard to be around her when she’s unhappy or ill, because it hurts ME so much…

8 thoughts on “The capacity is SO huge

  1. I love her SO much, it’s hard to be around her when she’s unhappy or ill, because it hurts ME so much…

    I totally get it.

  2. Shelli, I know you hear this all the time, but it gets better, I promise! Sometime in the future, if she is uncomfortable or upset you will understand, you will feel for her but it won’t be the all-out tragedy that it is right now. You will become more confident and learn that, most of the time you can comfort your child, and sometimes you can’t and you will be able to accept it without guilt. Easy for me to say, right. I guess I had to comment cause I was in the same place once upon a time and I am not anymore. Now it is all about fun, occasional scraped knees or tantrums, but far fewer tears, for both of us!

  3. Hi Shelli,

    I am sure you will get TONS of advice on the gas. But take it from a Mom who had a baby with chronic colic. What worked for Jacob was laying him on his back in my lap in a warm bath and then bringing his legs up and down (to his chin) somehow this would move the gas around and allow him to pass it. Even worked out of the bath. As his legs would move to the up part, he would FART LOUD. OMG, what a relief. Good Luck with Malka, this too shall be a distant memory. Poor Baby.


  4. Oh I know I know I know how you feel. I have had many crying in the bathroom moments because I couldn’t figure out why Julia was crying and then when I finally did (or when Kristin did) it was so simple and I felt like the worst mother in the world.

    I am just clinging to the fact that it will get better as we learn our children’s language and they learn ours…

  5. I have no gas advice (heck I poot on my RE all the time). But sheesh you had me laughing so loud over your description of Fabiola!

  6. I’m not sure how I found you but I am enjoying reading you! My partner and I have 2 girls and this post brought back the time that Katie (now 3) was about 19 weeks old or so and crying like you desribe. Oh, it was so painful. I took her into the tub with me and even that didn’t help. It was the first time I think that I realized that there were going to be things happening to her in this world that I couldn’t make all better!
    Wendy (partner to Chery, mom to Gillian (13) and Katie (3).

  7. Aww too funny about the burp that could compete with a college frat boy. I am sure Malka thinks you and Narda are the bestest mommies in the whole world!!!

  8. Oh, the turning away from the nipple is a big time sport over here.
    Our FD is almost incapable of eating any other way. Occasionally she’ll guzzle, but mostly it’s “suck, suck, turn, raspberry, suck, suck, turn, raspberry….” With her occasionally rubbing her face on our chest/arm/whatever she can reach.

    Gas and spitting up sucks. I feel for you on that one.
    Oh, and it’s very possible that the probiotics are causing the increase in spew. If Malka does have an overgrowth of yeast in her system, then the introduction of the probiotics can cause a “die off” and the dead yeasties come up with the milk. Loverly, yes?

    I’d suggest keeping her on the probiotics for a year at least, because while it can only take one course of antibiotics to mess it up your insides, it can take a year to rebuild a really good “intestinal community”.

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