A Day in the Life

For all of you fellow perfect parents….

Inspired by my good internet buddy over at Jive Turkey, I wrote this as an entire reply, and realized that it might make for a good post, and to explain my somewhat absence from blogging…..

How does your day compare?

In my not so perfect world, I let a lot of shit slide.

I *COULD* go to bed before midnight, but the damn internets!

Sigh – but srsly?  Here’s what a typical day looks like:

-5:45am – alarm goes off
-6:30am – stumble out of bed, thank the good Lord above that we have two bathrooms
-Plug in coffee maker (PREPPED THE NIGHT BEFORE – THIS IS THE KEY TO PARENTAL SURVIVAL); make morning sippys – milk for one, watered down OJ for the other
-Drag kids off their sorry sleeping asses, and out of bed
-6:45 – turn on the fucking purple dinosaur, while everyone gets that glorious “first sip”
-7:00am – Breakfast – yogurt and toast, from home made bread (yes, I make my own bread, I can sneak shit into it)
-7:15am – Narda bathes Malka, I chase a poopy-diapered Smoosh around the living room, as he LOATHES diaper changes, and will scream NO! DIAPAH! at me, while hiding his teeny-tiny body in places i can’t get to.
-7:25 or so – I finally trick him out of hiding, and toss him down on the changing table, where we play a round or two of octopus wrestling, and he emerges, poop-free, lotioned up and dressed by 7:45 or so.
-Play socks and shoes and aquaphor on their faces, and then realize we have 10 minutes to leave the house, and both kids are dressed, but neither one of us are.  DUDE CANNOT BE LEFT ALONE, so we take turns throwing clothes on, and attempting to shower, or just look presentable.
-8:00am – Begin getting the two year old into the stroller.
-8:10am – Succeed in getting two year old in stroller
-8:15am – drop a few choice words we are always shocked to hear the children utter later as we scramble to walk out of the door.
-8:20am – get down to lobby, inevitably remember the one thing we forgot, return upstairs, realize thing we forgot was keys.
-8:30am – get wonderful Super to let us in, get keys, drop a few more choice words, do the speed-walk to daycare, where Noah Matan proceeds to wander OH SO FUCKING SLOWLY into each room and hug all of his lady friends.
-9:15am – Get Malka to school.  (she needs to be there by 9:00am)
-9:17am – head to either the home office, or the Riverdale office, depending on the day.
-1:00pm – realize I need to leave to go get Malka in 15 minutes.
-1:30pm – throw on bra, RUN out door, miss bus across town.
-1:35pm – text fellow “perpetually late mom” and ask if she’s ahead of me, and if she can grab Malka, I just missed the bus.
-2:10pm – get to Malka’s school, she would rather hang w/ friend and friend’s mom, and “could you please leave, eemah?”
-2:30pm – jointly walk to respective subways, waving goodbye, with multiple thank yous, and head north to get Mister Smoosh.
-3:00-5:30pm – (depending on Malka’s after school schedule – we either have a playdate, or shopping, or what have you) arrive at daycare, do the reverse of the morning’s arrival – he must go into each room to give his girls a hug goodbye – if it weren’t so damn cute, I’d put a stop to this malarky!
-6:00pm – arrive home, rush to put up the baby gate before Smoosh heads into the bathrooms to see what exciting things are flushable.
-6:10pm – leave children to fight, erm, I mean play peacefully together while I MICROWAVE WHATEVER LEFTOVERS WE HAD FROM EARLIER. – A protein, a veg, a carb – (I try to do a big cook on Sunday, or have easily prepped meals, which saves me time)
-6:45pm – attempt to clear table, throw everything in sink, read a book or two, go get on jammies.
-7:30pm – leave cherubs to fend for themselves as I prep their room for bed – sippy of milk, night light, humidifier on.
-7:40pm – “bussateef” – potty, teeth brush, sippy, 3 songs, GOODNIGHT.
-8:00pm – Think about doing dishes in order to allow an earlier bedtime, laugh, pour wine, go to computer.
-10:30pm – wonder where the FUCK did the evening go?  Rush to go do dishes before Narda gets home.
-11:15pm – Narda gets home, usually finding me at the kitchen sink
-11:30pm – promptly get tired, get caught up in a random discussion that makes no sense at all.
-1:00pm – drag sorry ass to bed.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

And please note that the cherubs who need to be DRAGGED out of bed on weekdays? Get up like CLOCKWORK at 6:30am on weekends.

But would I have it any other way? No.

I DO look forward to puberty, if for nothing else than sleeping in again….

3 thoughts on “A Day in the Life

  1. Aquaphor. Yes, will get me some of that. I’ve been using a natural-ingredients only chapstick like substance, but it isn’t doing the trick. Thanks for teaching me something today!

    And, um, oh my. You know, I am often amazed at how busy I am now, and you are WAY busier than me!

  2. The ONLY was I make it to pick up reasonably on time (and don’t space on it completely) is a series of iPhone alarms with snoozing rules:

    1 hour ahead: “What are the afternoon plans?” must snooze until a post-pick-up plan is in place.

    30 min before departure: “Are you dressed? Did you eat lunch? Packed to go?” I usually just keep snoozing this until:

    9 minutes before departure: “LEAVE NOW!” I can snooze this once (and spend the ensuing eight minutes scrambling to dress, eat, pack, & finish what I was doing), but the second time it goes off I cannot shut it until I am in the hallway, I must listen to the urgent, annoying sound reminding me not to get distracted or pause as I put shoes on, run around grabbing snacks & wallet etc. THANK YOU IPHONE.

    The greatest joy of school vacation is shutting these alarms off.

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